The unexamined life is not worth living, or so we've been told. So when the chance arose to have IBM's supercomputer Watson examine my personality based upon my writing, I jumped. Who better to tell me who I am than a supercruncher of 1s and 0s, right?
Well, guess what? Watson is pretty lucky to exist mostly across a diffuse collection of networks and cables, because if I ever met him in a bar I'd punch his face.
The first text I input into Watson's new Personality Insights Service was a modernist poem I wrote inspired by the poetry of Charles Rafferty. Here's what Watson had to say about it: "You are unconcerned with art." STAB ME IN THE HEART, WATSON. It went on: "You make decisions with little regard for how they show off your talents." Um, wrong. I literally only care about showing off my talents. I'm a narcissist, Watson, like most of my generation (I'm kidding millennials—I love you and this isn't about you!)
I tried an article I wrote for WIRED. Same conclusion. Desperate, I tried a short story I wrote about thinking I could fly, and that time Watson said I was helpful, rational, and tranquil. But Watson? That is story about a delusional person WHO THINKS THEY CAN FLY.
So Watson called me a boring untalented hack and endorsed the delusion that I could fly, but what does he think of the opportunist oilman Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood, you're dying to know? Loves the guy. Wants to buy what he's selling.
"You consider helping others to guide a large part of what you do," Watson concludes. Watson, have you even seen the movie? Watson takes Plainview's rhetoric completely at face value. As WIRED Editor Michael Calore pointed out, Watson sees Plainview exactly the way he wants the crowd to see him. Basically, he swallows Plainview's B.S. hook, line, and sinker. But the joke is on you, Watson. You can analyze the linguistics all you want, but lacking the human context, you can't see the snake oil seller for what he truly is.
And oddly, though this is a post about hating Watson, it seems like he really digs the author of this post. Here's what he had to say about it:
