How to Decide if You Want a Child

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: October 11, 2022 References

The decision to have a child is an important choice that many people will make at one point in their lives. You will need to make sure that you are fully prepared and committed to having a child, before trying to conceive or adopt. It's also a good idea to evaluate your circumstances and make sure that you will have enough time and finances to care for a child. Careful planning and evaluation of your current situation will be key when deciding if having a child is right for you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking About Having a Child

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Talk with your friends and family about having a child. When you are considering if having a child is right for you, you can try speaking with your friends and family who already have children. They will be able to tell you more about the rewards and challenges that can come with having a child. You'll be able to see what their lives are like with children and judge if you want a similar life for yourself.^{[1]
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- Ask your friends and family what childbirth was like.
- Try to gain an understanding of what each stage of a child's life is like.
- You will want to create a balanced understanding of what raising a child is like. Avoid focusing too much on the positives or negatives.
- You might want to try babysitting for your family and friends to get first hand experience with caring for children.
2
Ask yourself if you would be happy without having children. Although you may be considering if having a child is right for you, thinking about not having a child can be just as important. Take some time and ask yourself if you would be happy not having children. Discovering your level of comfort with the idea of remaining childless can help you learn how important having a child is to you.^{[2]
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- Many people choose to remain childless and still feel they have a fulfilling and complete life.
- It's perfectly acceptable to pursue other life goals in place of having a child.
- If you realize you cannot feel happy unless you have children, you'll want to continue evaluating if it's the right time for you to have a child.
3
Discuss having children with your partner. If you have a partner, talk with him or her about having a child. Talking with your partner is a very important step to take when considering having a child. You will both need to honestly and openly discuss many aspects of your current situation, feelings, thoughts and wishes before going forward. Make sure you have had plenty of time and in-depth conversations with your partner before deciding if having a child is right for both of you.^{[3]
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- Talk about your reasons for wanting children. Share your motivations, hopes and wishes openly.
- Discuss how motivated you and your partner are to have a child.
- Take one another's concerns into account.
- Talk about the future you both envision for your child.
- You'll both need to fully commit to having a child before going forward.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Considering the Practicalities of Having a Child

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Make sure you are financially prepared. Having a child will come with high financial costs and responsibilities. You will need to fully provide for your child, giving them everything they need to grow into a happy and healthy adult. Consider your personal finances and make sure that you will be able to support a child if you decide to have one.^{[4]
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- The cost of having a child can be around $10,000.
- Adoption can cost up to $40,000 dollars, though adopting from foster care can be as low as $2,700.^{[5]
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- You can expect to pay around $10,000 per year to care for your child.
2
Ask yourself if you are ready for big changes to your lifestyle. If you decide to have a child, you will want to be ready for changes to your lifestyle. You'll need to consider how having a child will affect your schedules, work hours, relationships and other personal responsibilities and interests. Make sure you are comfortable with making these changes in your life to care for your child.^{[6]
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- You may need to change your work schedules to provide care for your child.
- You will need to balance your life in a way that allows you to care for your child and still have time for your personal interests.
3
Think about your personal goals. Before you decide to have a child, you may want to take stock of your personal goals and accomplishments. You can still work towards big life goals before having a child, but keep in mind that working towards major goals will be even more challenging when you have children to raise.^{[7]
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- For example, finishing up a graduate degree while having or raising a child can be a serious challenge. However, many people do go back to school after becoming parents, so don't think that you can't do difficult things after you have kids. You can, it just might be a little harder.
4
Consider if you'll have the support of family and friends. Having a child will be a serious commitment. Because raising a child can be so demanding, you will want to make sure that you have plenty of support to help you out. It can be a good idea to make sure you've got a great support network in place before deciding to have a child.^{[9]
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- Consider if you have nearby family members that could help babysit or care for your child at times.
- Good friends can be a great source of support when things get challenging.
5
Be ready for a challenge if you want to raise a child by yourself. Being a single parent will require you to fulfill all of the responsibilities couples would be able to share. You will be the sole provider for your child and will need to be ready to take on that level of responsibility. If you are comfortable and capable of providing everything for your child, being a single parent might be right for you.^{[10]
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- You'll want to have a good social support network in place in case you fall ill or are otherwise unable to care for your child.
- You will have to generate enough income to care for both you and your child.
- You may have to put off other life goals and dedicate the majority of your time to care for you child.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Knowing When Not to Have a Child

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Decide if you are emotionally capable. One indisputably important thing that a child will need is unconditional love. They will be the most important thing in your life and will require your utmost attention and support. If you are unsure if you can provide them with these, then this is a sign that parenting may not be for you.
- Every child, whether gay, trans, or disabled, is entitled to unconditional love. If you don't see yourself being able to raise a child with these traits, you may want to reconsider being a parent.
- Consider your lifestyle choices. If you are someone who is easily enraged, lazy, or just plain unfriendly, you must recognize that these traits won't set a good example for your child. If you can't change these, it's possible the child will inherit them.
2
Consider your mental and physical health. Childbirth and childrearing will require you to be healthy, both mentally and physically. You will want to take an honest look at your health to judge if you are capable of having and raising a child. Talk with your doctor to learn if there are any health issues that may impact your decision to have a child.^{[11]
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- Addictions are something that will need to be addressed before having a child.
- Mental illnesses will need to be treated and managed before deciding if having a child is right for you.
- Certain physical disabilities or conditions can make having a child difficult and should be taken into consideration.
- Your age can also have an effect on your pregnancy. If either biological parent is over 35, some complications may ensue, especially if there is a history of chromosomal disorders in the family.^{[13]
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  Mayo Clinic
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  PubMed Central
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3
Don't push past lingering feelings of doubt. Experiencing the occasional moments of doubt when considering having a child is normal. However, feelings of doubt that seem to persist may indicate that you are genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of having a child. If you consistently feel fear, anxiety or that you aren't fully committed, you may want to wait before having a child.^{[15]
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- Writing down your fears can help you analyze and understand your feelings better.
- Talk about your concerns with those you trust.
- You might consider attending counseling sessions to help you move past your fears.
- You'll want to feel confident that you are ready to have a child before doing so.
4
Assess the health of your relationship. Having a troubled relationship is a strong indication that it's not the right time to have a child. Disruptions in your relationship can affect the well being of your child and deprive them of the proper care that they need. If your relationship is in trouble, try working to improve things with your partner before further considering if you want to have a child.^{[16]
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- Any kind of abuse is a signal that you are not ready to have children.
- If you and your partner are constantly arguing, you may want to reconsider having children.
- Partners who have a child when one partner isn't committed are likely to end in divorce.
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