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Karkat Vantas came out to his family in the fall.
They didn't react in the most amazing way, but they didn't react negatively either. He said he didn't care about how the hell his family reacted, he just needed them to know. But I could see how much it meant to him that night in October, his bright eyes watering briefly before rubbing them. I knew how much it meant to him that his family didn't kick him out into the streets, and I opened my arms. Like the most shitty of all romance movies I opened my arms and he just walked right on over to me and sat in my arms and it was the most bro-bonding experience. Man, it was spiritual.
He slept over again once before Christmas break, saying he wanted to talk about something. Something important. I was shaking the entire time before he came over. What was so important? Why did he need to ask in person, why not ask over pesterchum, or even text me?
Why was I so scared?
But alas, he showed up to me and my brother's apartment, with a sleeping bag in tow. He lost sleep the night before, his casual dark circles evidently prominent, and one of those big t-shirts practically falling off of him. I invited him in, and he dropped his stuff in my bedroom, almost immediately unrolling the sleeping bag and getting comfortable.
I followed him in, closing the door behind us. My room wasn't particularly small, but very cluttered. He often threatened to clean my room for me. Posters adorned most walls--only of my most ironic of pleasures. My bed was an absolute mess of sheets, and random shit lied everywhere across the floor.
Karkat sat down, and just pushed a bunch of shit out of the way, grumbling again about getting the SWAT team to disinfect the place. I just sat at the door, my hands behind my back and rocking awkwardly from heel to toe. He sat down on the sleeping bag after walking over to the closet and pulling out a shit ton of blankets, and just looked at me for a bit, and then screwed up his face and raised his eyebrows the way he did when trying to lighten the mood. So I at least new he felt the tension too that could be cut with a knife.
Without changing my face, whilst panicking under my sunglasses, I asked him what he had wanted to talk about and flopped onto my bed, making old stuffed animals and dirty clothes fly everywhere. Karkat brushed away a pair of jeans from his pile of blankets and sleeping bag material before asking a pretty dumb question.
"Remember when I came out to Dad and Kankri?"
How could I forget? I was almost offended, but the way he was wringing his hands said something more. And for the first time in a long time I was genuinely scared. So, stiffly, I nodded. Maybe his brother's friends had heard and spread shit around school. Maybe papa vantas kicked back a beer too many, and hurt one of them again. Maybe an aunt a couple times removed found out and thought the entire side of the family was an abomination and was no longer getting in on the will.
"They think I have a boyfriend now."
Oh.
"Why would they think that?"
This was a much easier subject to handle.
"Dad kept on asking if I was, y'know, sure a dinner one night, and I got tired of it and said some shit like 'bleh no I have a boyfriend and he's rly hot leik…'"
I was trying really hard not to laugh, because that really was a situation he would get himself into. And I think he noticed, because he started ranting loudly.
"And of course, my dad was taken aback and was all 'oh okay son," He said the 'okay son' in a stupid voice mocking his father. "And Kankri was all 'wahhh I have to meet him who is it wahhh'," He made his voice sound significantly more whiny mocking his brother. "And Suddenly I felt really attacked and they kept on asking who like a couple of school girls, and I'm literally repulsed by most everyone in the school except you, so I panicked like 'Dave? Yes, I am in fact dating David E Strider, and that is how I am sure I'm gay, no hetero here.'"
Oh. This wasn't as easy a subject. Like, I was cool with it, and I honestly didn't care, but Karkat was getting really worked up over this. Holy shit what happened?
So I told him, "That's cool bro, I don’t care."
"Wait that's not the end."
"Okay, rant away man."
"Well, dad's seeing this chick and she really likes him. She has this old ski lodge from her family, so she goes there for Christmas and she invited us..."
"That's great, man. But what does this have to do with anything?"
"Dad told her I was dating you, and she said you should come with me. And of course Kankri got really excited about you going and she was sitting there with her big cat eyes like 'yesss you should bring him im a fag hag yesssss'"
Oh. I saw.
"And so I told them I'd bring you and I'm in an impossible situation and I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend for like a week..."
How do you react in this scenario? What do you say? I had his back, but was I really going to lie to his entire family for that long? I feel terrible when I say that the deciding factor wasn't Karkat's happiness. But Christmas with my brother never ended well, or ever really felt like a Christmas at all.
But seeing Karkat's eyes light up when I told him I would go to the lame ski lodge and be his boyfriend for a week, it made me happy.
It made me happy because he was happy, and he was so appreciative, I couldn't help but think that it would be worth it. That Karkat's family would get off of his back and I would get a real Christmas, and then life would go on. Maybe I was an asshole for not thinking of him first, but I was immediately willing to give him everything I could with the way his eyes got all starry. His dark hair was all tousled and his eyes were so bright and full of gratitude like 'yes, I chose the right human to trust.' And after that we discussed some minor details--when I asked him out, first date, and so on.
And then, disappointingly, the sleepover was the same as every other one we had ever had. He flopped over on his pile of bed sheets, and wriggled out of his jeans and stayed in his boxers. He always did that, and constantly reassured he wasn't pulling anything, that he just hated the idea of pants and would probably never wear them anywhere if it was a socially acceptable thing to do and so on. But I wasn't weird about it, no. Karkat had nice legs.
But no homo.
None of the homo besides the beautiful boy sprawling across a pile of blankets with one of his arms over his head and watching TV. The beautiful boy with not necessarily curly hair but not straight either, just cascading all over that pillow like Rose on the Titanic. The beautiful boy with eyes so gray they couldn't even pretend to be blue. He was gorgeous; and dammit, I was happy he chose me to be his fake boyfriend when he panicked, because any guy would be lucky to be breathed upon by this romantic-comedy-loving dork.
But I certainly wasn't physically attracted to him. Not gay for the kid who lived across the hall from me. No way.
But that was the way the rest of the night continued, with us watching tv and occasionally throwing pillows at each other. We talked about anything and everything, and I kicked his sorry ass at every game he insisted he was amazing at.
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The next week, I was packing my bags for a tiny little house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by snow. But it was going to be my first real Christmas, so it was okay. Bro was okay with me leaving, he honestly didn't really care. (The Christmas season must have made me soft, as the fact he didn't care almost hurt.) And I walked across the hall.
That walk was the most thought inducing walk I had ever been through. A couple of my gangly steps across that hall had me thinking more than any scenic hand holding in the park I had ever gone to. Those few steps seemed to be slower, and I didn't seem to be in control of my hand as I knocked on the door. But before I knew it, Kankri had opened the door and gave me the classic brotherly once over.
"Dave."
"Kankri."
"Come on in."
And so I did, the same as I walked through the hall. In a daze, with my body going on autopilot as he shut the door behind me.
"So you're dating Karkat?"
"I guess I am." Oh no wait shit yes yes I am shi-
"You guess?"
"Why else would I be here?" Haha. Saved. Get wrecked, kid.
I think that's when Karkat walked in, or maybe Kankri tried to strike up casual conversation, directly trying not to bring up the fact his younger brother was dating a douche bag. Because, to him, he was.
Karkat walked into his kitchen, expecting to just put his bag with all the others in the pile on the floor, which I had conveniently added to, and go back to bed. I mean, it was the crack-ass of dawn and Christmas was in a week, what do you think he'd be like. But he was rubbing his eyes and so grouchy in that huge ass sweater I just wanted to hold him. When he saw me he looked like he wanted to start shouting, and I just encased him in a cocoon of my arms because my grouchy child was tired and looked like he needed a hug. He seemed to almost stiffen up and relax at the same time, mumbling out a soft 'hey' as he kinda realized Kankri was standing behind us and tapped the side of my hip gently to get me off him. And I almost didn't because I was just as tired and his hair could be like a pillow it was so soft.
Rose had always told me I was little-kid clingy in the morning, and I guess that worked out for us.
"Sorry to drag you out here so early in the morning, I appreciate it." Thank you for being my boyfriend for this week.
"Anytime, the Lodge sounds fun."
I didn’t have a deep meaning behind my sentence like he did. Sorry.
He got a couple mugs from the counter. "Dad made coffee, do you want any?"
He didn't even have to look at me to know that I did, he just asked as a formality. I smiled ; this was going to go well. I wasn't gay for my best friend, but if all it took to get his family off his back was to hug him sometimes, just whenever I felt like it, I could do this. I could have a fantastic Christmas with my best friend and his somewhat-functioning family whilst skiing. This could be fantastic.
Besides, everyone and their pet dog could admit Karkat was adorable, and he has these perfect little hips that really anyone could wrap their arms around. It didn't make me gay for him, it made me not blind.
I could, in fact, admit my best dudebro looked fantastic standing next to me against the counter. I could, admit, that when he was tired and didn't shout and rant he seemed so very relaxed and my belly did a thing--just because it was different to not see him angry with that furrow in his brow. I could admit that the way he nursed that cup of coffee was simply awe stunning.
And, at six o'clock AM, even though Kankri was no longer in the room, I tipped my head over and rested it against my shoulder. And maybe, just maybe, he tilted his head towards mine and just let me stay there, next to him in his kitchen, sipping black coffee, waiting for his dad to get out of the shower so we could all take a nap in the car ride.
I believe Mr. Vantas was in the same state I was getting out of the shower as he was getting ready to leave. He seemed to really like this girl, and while Karkat and Kankri seemed to pick on him mercilessly by how distracted he was, I thought it was sweet. He stumbled a bit around corners and tables, trying to find his belt because he swore to god he put on the bed and honest to god Kankri did you try to organize my room again dammit Kankri no sorry angel yes I wont swear anymore thank you for correcting me. He liked this girl, and honestly, I kinda wished there was someone I would stumble around chairs for.
And I guessed, for that week, it would be the one I was rubbing my head into their neck like a kitten, and he was kinda nuzzling back so all was right in the world.
It wasn't until we got in the car, and Papa Vantas realized the boy his son was dating was sitting in his back seat, was when he decided to be a dad. With Kankri in the passenger seat, and Karkat and I in the back, he did the rant.
"Dave, I'm new to this. I haven't really had to talk to any of the people my children had dated before."
"I'm honored to be the first. I'll make sure to go over and help you edit and revise this for future needs."
He laughed at that. I think this is where he started to see me less as the boy behind shades but an actual kid who just so happens to be 'dating' his kid. And I appreciated that.
Karkat looked like he was contemplating if he could hurl himself out the car window when not giving me the most apologetic look ever.
Mr. Vantas looked at me through the mirror. "We've talked briefly, as Karkat tends to sleepover your house instead of vice versa, and you’re a good kid. I don’t think I would bring another kid along to the Lodge. But, because your Karkat's--" he cleared his throat, "boyfriend, I just--take care of my kid, okay Dave?"
"Dad, he get's the point--" Karkat tried to interject, like he thought this was a burden on me.
"I will." Karkat looked between me with a red glow across his cheeks.
But his dad smiled in the mirror--I could tell because his eyes crinkled up and nodded.
"A+ on the first boyfriend speech, though. 10/10. Unless you're trying to scare the kid, that was more of a big happy welcome to the family exclusive membership pass."
He laughed, Father Vantas laughed.
"I'll work on it."
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Karkat fell asleep on the way, and as much as I wanted to do the same, the amount of caffeine in my system prevented it. Eventually with the bumps in the car his head found a way from the back of the seat to my shoulder, which I was totally okay with.
Kankri fell asleep pretty early on, and as the Vantas boys slept, I got to know their dad.
He told me all about this girl he was seeing, about how she has two daughters of her own who are currently spending Christmas with her brother. She was gonna go too, but the deadline approaching for the book she was writing was coming closer, so she stayed and went to the lodge. She was an author, and has notebooks in several locations as random things people say and do inspire her. She's always taking notes. And as of lately, she's been writing down a lot of the stuff that happens between them. He loves her, and she loves him. They’ve been seeing each other for a couple months. She also loves cats, which rubbed off on her children. He then chuckled and said, "Kinda how my grumpiness rubbed off on these two."
He asked me why I wear sunglasses, and I explained to him I was literally albino, and while I technically only have to wear sunglasses outside, I like to keep them on. He understood, and he asked some other genuine questions about my eyes as it was a genuinely interesting thing. No one had asked, they just assumed I was a douche bag, which I probably was and deserved. I liked that car ride. I liked the promise of a family going on vacation. With me having a guardian who didn't see himself as a parent but a brother figure, who worked in the sex industry, it wasn't a common thing to actually have a decent conversation.
And, eventually, after him silently approving of me, I fell asleep on his son. I leaned my head against his soft hair and just crashed like he did. I might of kissed the top of his head, just for theatrical reasons, and then closed my eyes and fell asleep. Shades and all. When I woke up, we were at the lodge, and the sides of my glasses left an imprint on the left side of my face. But seeing Karkat yawn as he woke up, and his gray eyes looking up at me with a rosy blush, was a pretty okay thing to see.
No homo though.
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Her name was Dana Leijon, and she greeted us the minute we pulled into the drive. Mr. Vantas got over the car almost the very second he saw her, and she was greeted with a hug and a kiss. And it was sweet, it was the kind of thing you saw in movies but never real life. Bro never did that. Once in a blue moon he found someone, anyone he could stomach for the night and I was either traumatized enough to the point of going across the hall or getting kicked out right away. Sometimes he left for the night and didn't come back until I was just starting to get ready for school. But it was never often, only when he found it absolutely necessary. He one hundred percent believed he didn't need anyone but himself, yet he was human and gave into human urges.
Mr. Vantas wasn't perfect, but he tries. He avoids alcohol at all costs, he protects the shit out of his kids, and he's doing well for someone raising two teenagers on his own. Mr. Vantas was twice the guardian my 'Bro' was, bro more saw me as a fish he bought and is just trying to keep alive.
But I was an orphan, not a goldfish.
So seeing Dana and Mr. V hug and kiss, whilst excitedly talk about all that happened in the short week they hadn't seen each other face to face, was new to me. But the good kind of new. A new I wanted to see more of.
Me and Karkat got out of the car, followed by his brother, and approached the two with caution. I don’t think any of us knew how to say 'its cold as balls can you please let us in and not talk in the doorway?' But I think she understood, because she looked at us, smiled and welcomed us in.
It was a large kind of house, with high ceilings and a fully stalked kitchen. Two bathrooms, four bedrooms and a family room also accompanied said house. Random cat memoraphilia lie everywhere-- needlepoint cats framed on the walls, cat print sofa pillows, tiny cat knick knacks--you name them. The entire house was a shrine to cats, but besides the kittens, it was a nice house.
She decorated a bit for Christmas too, some garland hung in some places, and a three foot Christmas tree (guess the ornaments) lay in the living room. Mistletoe hung in a small sprig above the hall, and Karkat nudged me as to say 'avoid that shit.' Dana then introduced herself, and whilst being an excitable person she wasn't as batshit crazy as Karkat made it sound. Her parents were immigrants from some Asian country, but she herself didn't know the language or have the accent to show. She had big brown eyes and long black hair and genuinely was a gorgeous girl. Mr. Vantas was lucky.
She then proceeded to show us around. Through the front door was the living room, and right next to it was the kitchen, which had a table that they ate at as well. Through the living room was a hallway where all of the rooms lie. Two bathrooms connected to Dana's and her daughter's shared room, and on the other side of both were the guest rooms. A deep, olive green repeated itself around the house, along with yellows and browns. It seemed warm and homey, like that perfect model family.
There was a slight debate on what to do with who was sleeping where. She washed the sheets in her daughter's room in case the three of us each needed our own bed, as Mr. V was just going stay in her room. But, even though the idea of sharing a queen bed with Karkat was intimidating, none of us wanted to risk staying in one of the girls' twin beds. And so, the guest room on the other side of Dana's bathroom was ours. Kankri was just fine with having the other entire guest room to himself, and made himself at home immediately.
But I cant say the same of me and Karkat.
The minute the door was closed, we just shared a look. A 'how are we going to do this?' type look.
Karkat had always made a pile at my house, and then curled up in a ball on top of the pile. I felt bad leaving him on the floor, but he always fell asleep by the time I'd ask to switch.
What would the sleeping arrangements be? Would just growing a pair and sleeping on opposite sides of the bed be that horrible? It's not like we automatically have to cuddle all over each other. We'd be okay, we could get through this no homo--
"Anybody want hot chocolate?"
Was a faint call from the kitchen, we wouldn't have even heard it if we weren't participating in an extremely awkward silence. But we jumped up when she called, and we were out of that door as soon as it was processed. We left the green and gold guest room with a framed cat painting and a queen sized bed. We left that discussion far behind us, or at least I did.
I didn't want to think about how nice it would be to actually sleep next to Karkat, on a real bed, not on the floor next to my broken excuse of one. Or maybe I wanted to hold him and be held by him. No homo but his hugs are fantastic. I don't just cling onto anyone like a seven year old in the morning, I'm problematic but not thirsty.
Hot cocoa was being set on the table as we walked in by Dana, and Mr. V stood propped up against the marble counter, the two of them just talking about anything and everything. Every once and a while she's skip to a notebook and write some things down. Eventually she just grabbed it and placed it on the counter next to her, but the more she talked to him the less she wrote. It seemed more and more natural and less like two high schoolers pretending in front of the family (like we were). They genuinely cared about each other. I genuinely cared about Karkat, but we weren't so natural. This thing just generally seemed so forced. We needed to step it up.
So when we both finished sipping the cocoa and headed back to the room of the twin bed, I told him so. I didn't, in fact, tell him that it was easy to hug him and be romantic with him. I didn't tell him that I genuinely thought he was beautiful, and that, no homo, I didn't mind sharing a bed with him. I mean, it's not like I was looking forward to it and genuinely wanted to, it's just that I didn't mind…right? But I did tell him that now that we were here we had to get the romantic fires of our love ablaze. But he just looked at me odd as he sat down on the opposite side of the bed. He told me that we were teenagers, and that if we even don’t act any different they wont suspect anything. He told me they’ll all just think we are being regular teenagers.
"But did you see the way your dad and Dana were?"
"Yea. They're single parents and were being disgusting."
"C'mon, Karkles, I'm inspired." Because I was. The romance scene was a new one to me. The way they kissed and hugged and just talked, like that's how its been since forever, struck a chord with me. And dammit, I wanted my fake boyfriend to stand on his tip toes and give me a fucking kiss on the jaw like he meant it.
"Don’t call me Karkles, Dipshit."
I scooted closer to him.
"C'mon Kit Kat, this may be your last chance to date a Strider. Don’t you have any tooth rottingly sweet fantasies you want to make happen?"
"Kitkat is just as shitty if not shittier. And I've told you on several occasions you are not my type--" He did a lot at first, like when he came out to me. He'd say something and immediately follow it with an excuse on how pasty douchebags in shades weren't his thing, and honestly it hurt sometimes but I couldn’t explain why.
"They wont care whether or not we hold hands down the ski slope, they cared about the title. I do not need you messing around with my homosexual heart because of your shitty irony. I need you to shut up and let them take a picture of us on Christmas morning. I don’t need any more heartache than I can handle thank you very much." While sounding harsh, this is what he was like in anything less than a morning or a serious moment.
How do you explain to your best friend that you're not in love with them, but think they're beautiful? How do you say you want to act like you're in love because you’ve never been in love before? How do you say you’ve started bringing a girl home every once in a while the way your bro has and you really don’t want to be like him?
How do you tell him you're scared, and you want love, even if you have to pretend for a short week?
Because, obviously you weren't gay for him. You just wanted to feel something, even if you had to pretend to feel it.
"I didn't agree to do this for you. I did it for me. Because being your pretend boyfriend for a week didn’t sound so bad and going skiing with said pretend boyfriend sounded a hell of a lot better than spending Christmas with my brother. Are you happy?" he didn’t look any happier.
"This is all me selfishly spending time with my best friend whilst having platonic cuddles instead of buying my own presents on Christmas holy shit--"
"Okay fuck off I get it you asshole. " he nearly shouted at the top of his lungs as he flopped over onto his back. He lay spread like a starfish, taking up the entire bed like a spoiled kid. That was until I flopped on top off it in the opposite direction, so my arms and legs dangled on either side of the bed, my stomach flopped over his.
"There is no god. Only Strider's fat ass." he murmured in defeat.
I smacked said fat ass right under his nose.
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The rest of the evening consisted of skiing and getting cold and heading back inside. We didn't last very long out there, but they did end up taking a picture of the two of us holding hands and attempting to ski down the slope. We ended up falling on our faces, and my fat ass.
When we finished we headed back inside and put on pajamas--as they were the only clean clothes that weren't outfits picked out for the week. The ones we wore skiing were washed, and we both sat on the dryer and waited for them to dry, as there was nothing but the tiny TV in the guest room on top of the dresser covered in stuffed cats.
So we sat knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder, Karkat in his boxers and a fluffy(er) sweater and I in plaid pajama pants. We sat on the cheap dryer, waiting for it to crumble under us every time it shook beneath our plush assets. Maybe another picture was taken, whilst the camera was still out. But I honestly don’t remember, and probably will never comb through the photo album it was put in. I tried really hard not to be happy with this, because I wasn't, it was my best friend. Maybe I platonically wanted to hold him in my arms and never let go. But only platonically, right?
We never really decided on any bedtime arrangement. We kinda just hopped into bed that first night without saying anything. Because what was there to say? "Yeah bro, lets just sleep on either side of the bed like, its big enough to do so no touching required hah." We both understood. We got it.
But it was so cold. It was one of those nights up in the mountains that got into the negative degrees. That cold. And around an hour and a half, ninety minutes laying down with six inches in between us, I heard him mumble a soft 'dammit' and totally turn over, nuzzling into my back whilst holding onto my shirt. And of course I couldn’t be little spoon to Karkat the shouty wonder so I also turned to face him and delicately placed my hand on his hip.
I don’t think we moved from that position all night.
I was very okay with that.
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I realized I had feelings for Shouty McNubs on the second day.
We were on the couch watching TV in the main living room--right behind us is the kitchen--when Kankri sat down next to Karkat. With a mug of hot cocoa in his hand, which he delicately placed on the square glass table between us and the TV, he just sat next to Karkat uncomfortably in the middle.
This just so happened to make Karkat scoot that much closer to me on the couch. I was so tempted to wrap my arm I had against the back of the couch around his shoulders, I really was. I also really wanted to kiss him. Desperately so. I just sat there looking at his perfect skin and long eyelashes and god I wanted to kiss those damn lips. I wanted to kiss them breathlessly, with his long eyelashes fluttering, trying to keep closed.
That’s when I felt my heart begin to thud. What happened to no homo? What happened to me being the stand-in boyfriend pretending to feel something? I was actually feeling something now? Why?
I wanted to feel something, and I knew Karkat made me something, but this something hurt.
It made me feel like my lungs...it made me feel like my lungs couldn't breathe in enough and my face couldn't keep un-red enough and god I don't know what my heart wanted to do let alone what it couldn't do.
And then before I could really digest what I was feeling, I did, in fact put that arm around him, and do I have to explain to you what I felt like after that?
The same as it always felt, but now I was actually feeling it, like I wasn't forcing myself to be numb anymore.
And suddenly I wasn't my bro.
I was Dave, and I was writing my own type of life, and I can choose whether to bring girls home like my brother or actually try with this kid and I panicked again.
I panicked and I couldn't understand why I was panicking, because it really isn't a weird thing to fall for your best friend with pretty eyelashes, is it? Why was I worried? Everyone falls for the best friend at some point, right? I'd get over this, right? God I wanted to feel something but I honestly would have rather been numb and canceled out my emotions, just because of five seconds of feeling something.
We spend so much of our lives searching for something, but then suddenly we find it and it's nothing like you've expected and you put it back just as fast as you've found it.
And you either get over it and find a new something, or never get over that one scary something.
Karkat wasn't the scary something. The way I felt about Karkat was the scary something. And it hurt, yet when I tried to lock it up again it didn't work, and I felt a new kind of high.
I kissed the side of his forehead. It was right there. And I felt the worst kind of fantastic right then. The absolute worst.
But that is what made it just so fantastic.
And honestly, I don't remember how he acted. I was too full of how I was feeling, what I had realized, and just how okay with it I was? It wasn't like the books, where it feels oh so natural, and like their hands were meant to be held like this by the other, because it wasn't. It felt nice. That's what was good about it--the fact that it felt nice. Kissing his forehead felt nice and sitting knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder felt nice everything about being as much as in the same room as him felt nice.
Kankri got up and walked away at some point, moving to put his mug in the sink or something of the sort.
But Karkat didn't move.
He sat right next to me and kept his head all curled up in my shoulder and didn't push my arm away at all. And I guess I figured it out that I wanted him to look really beautiful in my arms everyday.
I really wanted that.
And I was okay with that.
I was really okay with that.
And so we sat there on the couch with my arm behind his neck and his head on my chest with his hand kinda on my knee for hours. For hours we sat there, watching every single shitty infomercial wordlessly, as people walked in and out of the room.
We didn't talk...at all. Talking would ruin it. We would either say something way too casual or too much for being fake boy friends. And honest to God, David, this is your best friend who doesn't date guys like you and just wants his family to treat his sexuality like it doesn't exist.
He wanted someone to constantly remind them that he was in fact attracted to boys, and that wasn't going to change.
But of course I didn't know what that was like.
We didn't go skiing that day. It honestly wasn't enough fun the day before to top cuddling on the couch.
I told Dana that when she came in and asked. I mean, it was honest. "Thanks ma'am, but cuddling currently takes top priority."
Karkat wanted to scream. I could see it on his face. He wanted to stomp and shout about how that wasn't an okay thing to say like, ever, and how I really needed to stop messing with him, and that I really don’t have to be quite so into this role as his boyfriend. But he didn’t shout or scream but God was he turning red. Instead he leaned back into me.
I honestly cant say that anything else unusual happened that day, except my feelings that I was coming to accept I felt the whole time, and trying to get a third party in the room so I had an actual excuse to touch him, there was nothing new to our regular routine. Except for that night. When he crawled into bed he latched right on to me. Do you know how it feels to have your best bro wrap his arms around you from behind and bury his face in your back?
Do you know how that feels when you just realized you might want to mack on him in a more than platonic way that afternoon?
It feels like you're about to get an awkward boner the entire fucking night and wont go down as you lay awake for the entirety of several hours. It sucks. But your heart and your lungs are still on fire in the most fantastic way possible. So the entire night you are a combination of fantastic and suckish and tired oh god did you wish that this wasn’t going to be a nightly occurrence because hes snoring right behind you.
Dammit his hand was gripping onto your shirt and he was breathing lightly onto your back, and everything about that felt magnificent.
I didn't sleep that night.
But I guess you could figure out why. And of course I was tired all day and clingy as hell. I was seven year old to his mother clingy.
I had gotten hardly any sleep, what would you expect of me?
That entire morning (and partly into the afternoon) consisted of hanging onto Karkat. He didn't seem to mind anymore, he didn't look like he wanted to scream again. And maybe when he was getting us coffee I was standing behind him. Maybe I had my forehead on his shoulder and my arms around his waist getting tighter and tighter around him. So what if when we were eating breakfast I grabbed his hand from the island stool I was on.
"I thought somebody was coming" I whispered when he seemed surprised.
We both knew nobody was coming.
So what? Can't a guy take advantage of the crush that has been eating away at him for years (even if he just realized it was a crush that was eating him away the day previous.)
I don't understand how best friends in the movies wait years, watching as the other dated and got a broken heart. I could hardly wait hours, but that's me. I know what I want. I knew what I wanted. And I knew for a fact I didn't want to sit around and watch Karkat stage our break up and date some other gay guy in coral shorts until they break up and I would have to pick up the pieces.
I've done that before. I've picked up the pieces after people broke his heart. He didn't give himself time in between. He was passed around like a platter at a rich woman's dinner party. But after what Gamzee did to him he stopped. It's been two months since he's dated anybody. Maybe he'd wait longer, maybe he'd jump right back in when we got back to school after break. He talked about this John kid a couple times. Maybe him.
I was making myself sick.
I really didn't want him to think about dating John after "dating" me.
And I didn't know how to tell him on the third day out of seven that I wanted to hold him when we were alone, and had no chance of someone else seeing. I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted him to kiss me back and hold me and love me too.
I really wished my fake boyfriend would stand on his tip toes and kiss my jaw.
I really, really wanted him to do that.
The fourth day we spent most of it skiing, as the temperature was perfect to do so. We woke up (another restless night) with me being clingy and holding him close, and then held hands the entire way down the slope. Well, most of the way. But we fell far later than we did the first time in the picture they took.
We were rushing down the slope with at least 3 layers on, and everything was so clear and soft. The white was blinding, even with my shades on.
And holding his hand, the hand we had both taken the glove off on, was warm and cold at the same time.
Speeding down the hill was so calming, despite going what ever many miles per hour on the steepest hill.
And then suddenly we were falling, and then we were laughing, because everything was okay.
We came back in for dinner, Dana and Mr. Vantas laughing as they walked through the door. And as Dana said she'd cook something for all of us Kankri--who was the only one who didn't go skiing--immediately came out of the guest room when he heard this, which sent them both in a fit of giggles.
Dana bowed down low facing Karkat's Dad. "Ah, I'll make you and you're lovely family lunch, as any loyal Disciple would. I live to follow."
He laughed, and something shined in his eye. "You're a part of the family now."
Me and Karkat left then, I think Kankri ducked into the living room.
They wanted their space. They wanted their space so they could smile and kiss the way regular couples do when no ones around.
The very thing that I strived for, so I could have a mere excuse to be close to the one I cared about. Maybe I even loved him. Who would know?
Lunch was full of small glances to each other, of Karkles and I to Dana and Mr. V. Only Kankri didn't have anyone to look to, but he seemed perfectly content about that. I would only find out later that he was aro-ace and didn't need anyone else to make him happy. And I think that's why he looked so relieved when he was alone.
Every once in a while Karkat would meet my gaze, only for me to tear away and look back at my sandwich that was rather well made.
Thanks Dana.
We spent the rest of the night watching tv, and awoke to another morning of being tangled up.
------------
On the fifth day we kissed.
There really wasn't much to it. As we were heading back to our shared guest room, the sprig of mistletoe that Dana hung up (and Mr Vantas took advantage of) was above us. Dana giggled and whispered something to 'Sufferer' (as she began calling him--they were Sufferer and Disciple), and then it dawned on us.
It wasn't a huge deal, but they had never seen us kiss before. Wouldn't it be odd if we refused to. I just shrugged and continued to walk, but Karkat was the one who grabbed my arm as I walked past.
And we kissed.
There was no 'he grabbed my face' and 'he initiated it.' It wasn't what was going through my mind. It was that we were kissing, and my bottom lip was between his, and then it was over.
It was over and we were continuing to walk back to his room, my lips tingling, my heart pounding, and Karkat's red ears. I thought I had a chance right then. I thought that maybe he had feelings for me, and everything would work out perfectly. I thought so just because of his shouty face and red ears.
So when we got behind that door, I kissed him again. In front of nobody.
It was just us. It was just us
And he kissed me back.
It was fantastic.
It was fantastic being able to kiss just for us, to kiss and actually have him like it as much as I did.
And when we pulled away, word vomit happened. I spilled it. I spilled absolutely every word I could use that would describe how I ever felt.
And he sat there in stunned silence.
It was quiet enough you could hear Sufferer and Disciple laughing and chatting down the hall into the kitchen. They were probably sitting at the breakfast bar, each on a stool and holding hands on the counter top. I bet Disciple was on his right, holding his right hand with her left so she could keep notes about their lovely conversation with her dominate hand. And I bet they were happy to just be in each other's company, and they weren't staring at each other with blank faces after one douche didn't even decide to, but just poured out everything he's ever felt.
"Take off your shades."
I was totally caught off guard. I was waiting for a smack across the face, for him to scream at me. About how that's not okay, that I'm his best friend. About why I could ever love him when all I did was treat him like trash. I thought I didn't have the tight to love him.
"What?"
Of course I wasn't expecting him to ask me that.
"I can't see what's going on with your face. Take off your shades. Show emotion for once in your goddamn life."
He wasn't mad that I confessed.
He just wanted to see my face.
"All you ever fucking do is just..look at things with this blank ass stare. You do one thing, but then I look at you and you seem so...passive. Like you couldn't care less? And here you fucking are, telling me you love me and enjoy holding me, with the same passive--like you could care less!"
He reached up and snatched them away.
"I refuse to receive a passive confession."
I blinked. I only take my shades off before bed, and my albino eyes were so sensitive.
I had taken my glasses off before, he's seen my eyes. But never like this. Never with him staring right into my eyes, and I could never look away. I felt naked. I felt like he was looking at me differently than before.
"Don't say things you don't mean. Show me you mean them."
And I looked pathetic.
I looked wrecked as hell, because I was embarrassed. I spilled my guts for him to see, and he just stole my shades that I never take off so I was squinting like a bitch and I was so defeated. I knew it showed on my face.
And I knew he saw.
He saw me stripped down to my very core. He was seeing me.
He saw how I felt.
In my core, down to my very soul.
And then I hugged him. I leaned down, and wrapped my arms around him tightly. I burried my face into his neck and waited for him to tell me to get off of him, that he didn't feel the same way, and maybe we should stage our break up now.
But it never came.
He hooked his arms around my waist and held me just as tight.
I don't think I have to describe just how fantastic that was.
Almost as Vantastic as Christmas the next day.