“New York, New York, it’s a helluva town for babies,” said no one ever in the history of New Amsterdam, which is why my husband and I packed up our bags and moved to Westchester when our son was 5 months old. (Real estate also played a strong supporting role, but that’s kind of a given, no?)
I’m sure I’ll get plenty of angry e-mails from city parents claiming in fact, no, Manhattan is a-mah-zing for kids — and they’d be right — if they’re talking about kids, not babies.
“I’m surprised to hear you say that,” said a colleague the other day, after I allowed myself a bit of a freestyle rant by the copy machine. “To me, it seems like there are actually a lot of baby-friendly places around, way more than there used to be.” This is correct, but what lies at the heart of Manhattan’s baby-unfriendly status has little to do with facilities like kid-friendly restaurants and indoor playspaces and more to do with the very living, breathing soul and layout of the city.
And so, I maintain that while Manhattan is one of the most fantastic places on Earth in general, it is also one of the worst, most annoying places ever for children under the age of 2. If you’re a parent, this might be very Captain Obvious for you, and you’re wondering why I am taking the time to illustrate my point. But to those of you who need more convincing, allow me to count the ways:
The public transportation
When I had my baby, no one told me how important it was to choose a pediatrician located near my apartment. (They probably didn’t think it needed to be said.) Instead, I chose the pediatrician who was the most French and who had been described in the charming Parisian parenting memoir “Bringing Up Bébé.” The offices were also in Tribeca, and I lived in the East Village.
Taking a baby on the subway is a terrifying thing. If you’re using a stroller, all sorts of “Battleship Potemkin” thoughts will race through your mind. Then, once you successfully board the subway, everyone will try to touch your baby.
The bus is a bit better, as you’ll be above-ground and there are no tracks to contemplate, but you’ll have to carry the stroller up the stairs of the bus and then, most likely, you will have to fold up the stroller while holding your baby on your lap. This is hard to do. Want to take a taxi or car service? That’s cool, if you want to tote a car seat around town afterward. Yes, there are some car services that cater specifically to parents, but it will cost you — for example, Kid Car NY will drive you from Point A to Point B in Manhattan and Brooklyn for $75 (members) and $95 (nonmembers). So unless you’re a Russian oligarch, it’s probably not a service you’re going to be using all that often.
The Frank Sinatra factor
“If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere” is a very real part of the ethos that drives the city, and it’s contagious and wonderful. People come here to MAKE IT, not to make babies. Yeah! But having a baby slows you down, both emotionally and physically, and can sometimes leave you feeling a bit out of step with the general manic energy of the city.
Plus, who are we kidding? A bunch of Type-A personalities don’t really make for the most patient or empathetic group, which is why you’ll get the stink-eye as you slink into coffee shops, bookstores and restaurants all over town. If you’re a conscientious parent, you’ll choose your places carefully, only bringing your baby to places that seem appropriate. But that won’t matter. You’ll still get the stink-eye from people who seem to think they have a divine right to socialize only with people in their exact age and tax bracket.
Am I generalizing? Am I ever! But in a city where many people are nonparents by choice, there can be a definite vibe of “children should be seen and not heard.”
The Laws of Darwin
Manhattan abides by the laws of the jungle, where competition is high, and someone else is always going to be smarter, faster and more 22 than you. Really, it’s a place where it’s ideal to be unencumbered. It does not favor the old, the very young, the weak or the vulnerable.
The grid system
I know, that’s a pretty basic thing to take issue with, right? Kind of determines most of the city above 14th Street. Got a meeting in a building you’ve never been? Then the grid has your back, helping you navigate your surroundings easily and with precision. Got a baby in a carrier or a stroller? Then there will always be someone behind you sighing, groaning, wishing you’d move faster. The grid is all about linear forward momentum, pushing you onward, not encouraging anyone to stop. The grid wants fast. The grid wants now. The grid does not want your baby merrily tossing his hat out of his stroller for the 16th time.
No, when it comes to having babies, a place with big open squares and piazzas is ideal. A place where you can sit for a minute to collect your thoughts and contents of your diaper bag. A place that is not Manhattan.