Before you came into our lives in Mario Kart 64, cruising around in first place was an empowering and rewarding feeling.
IT WAS CELEBRATORY! And as it should be! You dodged rogue green shells and cleverly placed bananas to earn the coveted first-place position.
Then, in 1996, you reared your spiky exterior and blew it all up — LITERALLY.
You completely changed the game. First place was now plagued with stress and anxiety — IT WAS NO LONGER A SAFE PLACE FOR WINNERS. Losers became winners and winners became losers.
The top spot was now like a government testing zone for nuclear weapons. Each track's hills now had eyes — eyes that once belonged to the fallen racers in first place...ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.
As time went on, your means of torture only became more and more cruel. You were given the gift of wings in Mario Kart: Double Dash!!, thus giving you the ability to fly straight to first place to blow them up.
And although you bore no wings in Mario Kart 7, you somehow were still able to fly. I bet you ate them, didn't you? You sick bitch.
In the latest Mario Kart incarnation, you were not only able to fly straight to the first place kart WITHOUT WINGS, but you were able to fly so low to the ground that you could flip over any kart that got in your way. YOU'RE A MEAN MEAN GIRL.
Yet our only savior from your grasp is the mythological "super horn." Does it even exist? BECAUSE IT'S SO RARE THAT IT SEEMS LIKE IT DOESN'T.
Dear blue shell....................................................
