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i don’t think that’s your ex haunting you; i think it’s your own guilt taking the form of the person you feel you let down the most. and i don’t know if that guilt is about them as much as it is about you learning to acknowledge and accept your own shortcomings–along with the hurt those shortcomings may have caused someone else–without turning them into a weapon to confirm your worst insecurities about yourself. you’re a flawed human being anon, we all are–you need to give yourself some grace in accepting this fact on the one hand, and allowing it to make you a better person on the other. even if you being that better person is with someone else. you cannot change who you were before, or how you approached the relationship with your ex; you can only let it guide the relationship you have now, in a healthier and more constructive way.

whatever it is you think you failed to do or be for your ex, if you could have done it with them / for them, you would have done it with them / for them. but you would also be a very different person. you feel guilty now because you know better now. and much as it sucks, that already shows you are growing and moving towards a better version of yourself. x

my tumblr dot com legacy 💋

it depends on the person, it depends on the wrong, it depends on how flexible and willing you are to work to move past the hurt in the first place: are they aware of what they did, fully aware of it? how deeply it has hurt you? have you told them this? has there been a frank and open conversation where you both explain how you feel? are they willing to acknowledge the hurt? to apologise (have they apologised?)? are they willing to look over their actions and habits to address what needs to be addressed and find ways to make amends?

what is their place in your life? is this one instance of deep hurt, or a recurring pattern? and if it’s a recurring pattern, what does that pattern look like? do they hurt you repeatedly, in the same way, even after you have told them they do it repeatedly? is that hurt deliberate and malicious, or stemming from issues they’re struggling to work through? is there a specific context to the hurt and the actions that led up to it? can this go some way to explaining it all in a way that shows there is room for you to actually work it through (explanation doesn’t mean it was okay, just that it might be easier to understand)? and crucially: does this wrong outweigh every other positive their presence brings to your life, has brought to your life? is this presence worth the pain, the awkwardness, the open and honest work required of mending your relationship again?

additionally, have you given yourself time to process the hurt? are you willing to forgive them in the first place? because the work involved is a two-way street. forgiveness won’t always come easily, even when you see the other person means it, even when you see them trying. you’re human, too: the bad parts and the hurts stick like glue, and sometimes there is a valid reason, but sometimes it is something you need to address, too. it’s not going to be like a lock sliding into place, and then all your bad feelings will go away. if you decide to forgive, you should of course hold space for your feelings so you can work through them, but you also need to accept that deciding to forgive someone means truly forgiving them: you cannot keep holding the hurt against them, or circling back to it when they do something else that annoys you. you have to give them the space to be able to make amends but that space requires a certain amount of grace (from both of you). you cannot put unfair conditions on it. this absolutely doesn’t mean that you ignore your own needs or boundaries, or let others walk all over you; if you constantly give someone this grace, and they don’t show up for it, then perhaps it is better to distance yourself from that relationship. but otherwise, you have to be open to accepting their amends as much as they have to be to making them. and that means leaving pride at the door. anger and indignation can feel good, but only because they distract from the hurt. and as long as they distract from the hurt, and as long as you let them influence your approach to this person, you will not be able to forgive, no matter how much you want to.

i don’t know what the extent of your hurt is, anon, or what this person did, but i hope this helps, and i hope you find your way toward a decision that feels like the honest and right one for you 🤍

e.e. cummings is great for spring and an absolute Spring Poet™ to me, a few i love:

• “[when faces called flowers float out of the ground]”
• “[who knows if the moon’s]”
• “[spring is like a perhaps hand]”
• “[sweet spring is your time]”

and a few others:

• “The Trees” by Philip Larkin (this is one of my all time favourites)
• “Instructions on Not Giving Up” by Ada Limón
• “Late Spring” by Mary Oliver (also a favourite!)
• “Poppies” by Mary Oliver
• “I Have This Way of Being” by Jamaal May
• “A Light Exists in Spring” by Emily Dickinson
• “Today” by Billy Collins
• “O Taste and See” by Denise Levertov

also really adore these two haiku by Issa: (1) and (2)

soracities:

i don’t listen to audiobooks unfortunately but any audiobook devotees please please send in your recs for anon, thank you 💗

thank you anon thank you @saintofdaggers thank you everyone in the replies !