BETA
This is a BETA experience. You may opt-out by clicking here

More From Forbes

Edit Story

Any Woman Who Tells You That She 'Does It All' Is A Liar

This article is more than 8 years old.

“What are the top 10 things you learned about thirtysomething women – their tricks and tips that helped them define and find their success?” I answered that question when I delivered a Masterclass at Glasgow Caledonian University in Scotland last month. This is post #2 in a series that brings the Masterclass to you. The complete Top 10 List is here.

How does life really work for a thirtysomething woman? Rachel Shechtman, the 37-year-old founder of STORY, (a new kind of store in NYC that's part magazine, part gallery and sells goods like a store) sums it up: “Years ago when I first moved to NYC, Gloria Steinem said something like this: We’ve sold your generation the wrong bill of goods because we told you that you could have it all. And guess what, we found out you can’t. Oops, sorry. We’re not going to be 100% partner, 100% mom, 100% CEO and have time for a manicure and massage with our girlfriends. It’s just not how it works.”

Knowing that they can’ t have it all at the same time doesn’t mean they aren’t still trying. When I asked these women what’s keeping them up at night, the top two answers were work-life balance and finances, including balancing their finances, relationships, family time, work, education, health and fun. Adding to the juggling act is the ticking biological clock -- they’re surrounded by reports that are screaming stats at them that say female fertility peaks at 28 and things get really tricky at age 35. For some women, the clock is ticking every second and others have thrown it out the window and said, "I'll figure it out":

Heather Staker is 38 and works at the Clayton Christensen Institute. The mother of five (ages one to 10) doesn’t hesitate in saying, “Face it, women have a window when we’re biologically best suited to bear children. I've always wanted to have a strong family, and this decade is a critical time for starting toward that vision. The temptation, however, is to get caught up in the professional race at the very moment when family building is at its peak opportunity. I could easily delay and outsource children—but I think in the end, I’d look back and wonder why I had put the things that matter most at the mercy of those that matter less. So I purposefully turned down some professional opportunities.”

Leanne Pittsford, 33 and a founder of Lesbians Who Tech, a community of queer women in and around technology (and the people who love them), takes the question seriously for a different reason. “To be honest, I think about kids all the time, whether I want them or whether I just don't want to miss out on the experience of having kids. I guess you could say I have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) when it comes to having kids or not. But if I did make the choice to plan a family, the very first thought that comes to mind is how it would impact my career and my life. As a lesbian I know that having a family will take a lot of thought and planning. There are no accidents for us. I can't say my biological clock is impacting my professional decisions directly, but the thought of having kids makes me want to make enough money to support them.”

Kendra Gardiner, the 34-year-old Operations Manager at Thogus, approaches the children question differently. “At this point in my life I don’t feel the need to control or direct big life decisions. This comes from hard lessons I learned in my early 20s trying to plan and control every life event. By my late 20s I experienced amazing achievements simply by setting big goals for myself and focusing on achieving those goals rather than planning every moment or worrying about what everyone else was doing. My perspective is that in time children will come and at that time I will be given the perspective to set new goals for myself and for my family.”

Some women are questioning the whole concept of work-life balance, seeking a blend versus a balance. As Nicole Cramer, SVP, Chief Creativity Catalyst & Chief of Staff, McCann Worldgroup tweeted, “Work/life balance would be me lying to myself. I strive for work/life integration. Balanced approach w/o forcing separate.”

Unfortunately, there’s no magic bullet solution. But one thing I did learn is that many of the women who are closer to finding their balance are redefining success. And that new definition of success includes opting out of the “I need to be 100% perfect at everything” club.

Leslie Graff is successful and busy. She’s a fine artist, an online course creator and a psychosocial and developmental specialist. One thing she’s not is a perfectionist. This is her story, in her words:

Many people assume being successful means being a perfectionist. I defy that. I am a high achiever, and very prolific, but NOT a perfectionist. There is a big difference. I am personally demanding but not exacting – in most cases getting things to the “really good” point is generally good enough. While I respect pushing things to the point of amazing, limited time and multiple priorities have always invited me to let endpoints and success markers be more fluid, negotiable and multifaceted. Throwing out perfectionism lets me better embrace my core values of collaboration, cooperation, and exploration; downplaying competition or a single endpoint. When you don’t need the 100%, #1, best superlatives… life is gentler, more balanced, and connected… and success more attainable. I learned early on that perfectionism was a law of diminishing returns.

Like in painting, if half the time it takes to do a painting is the major work that gets the painting to 85% done and the remaining half of the time is working on tiny details that comprise 15%, in reality you have the option of taking two things to 85% or one at 100% in the same time and with the same resources. The bulk of the production/investment in many things is at the front end.

People look at my art and ask, “Is it done?” I say, “I’m not totally sure, I’m going to stop for a while.” Sometimes you work too hard, trying to make it perfect, but when you look at it you think, “I overworked it, I had it but I lost it, the best stuff is now buried under worse stuff.” When I’m doing a painting, I wonder if I should do a bold background or a muted one. I have to pick a palette for that painting. Instead of miring in indecision, I pick one and move forward knowing it has many potential iterations and I can come back and explore those too, there are innumerable ends.

We have to constantly determine when to stop and what’s good enough to be “finished.” There are so many things I want to do I constantly think about those tradeoffs and decide where I want to spend my time. Being really careful about how we balance those – we don’t want to produce junk no matter what our field is. We don’t want to do something half way. But sometimes we over finish things. And when we invest more than we really wanted to or planned to we often develop a certain animosity towards it because we gave it more than we wanted or sacrificed things for it we didn’t want to.

Tip:  Create your own definition of success and opt out of the 100% (Perfection) Club

For the stories that I shared at the Masterclass at GCU, click on the links below:

No. 1 Success Tip For Women In Business: Do More Than You Know

Any Woman Who Tells You That She ‘Does It All’ Is A Liar

To Make It In Business, Women Are Asking Tough Questions

Women Are Leaning In, But Who’s Catching Them On The Other Side?

‘My Best Mistake’: From The Ashes, These Women Emerged

Who Are You? The Answer Isn’t On Your LinkedIn Profile 

When They’re Stuck In A Hole, Successful Women Stop Digging

If You Don't Have A Strong Foundation, You Can Explode

Women Who Build Hefty Emotional Bank Accounts Are Redefining Power

Women Are Joining Forces In A ‘Fix-It’ Revolution

Follow me on Twitter or LinkedInCheck out my website