Advice From Lonesome George To The Last Male Northern White Rhino

    Sudan the rhino is the last male of his kind, and Lonesome George has some words of wisdom to throw his way.

    Elaina Wahl
    by Elaina Wahl

    Junior Animals Writer

    Michael Melford / Via National Geographic Creative

    Dear Sudan,

    Hey buddy, it may be weird that I'm writing you since I'm dead and all, but I've been in your position and I know how stressful it is. I'm allowed to write one letter a year from the great beyond and I chose YOU. You've got a lot more than just oxpecker birds riding on your shoulders. The continued existence of your ENTIRE SPECIES is all dependent on you. You want lil baby Sudans running around the African savannah? You better start making moves.

    I know you've got TWO lovely rhino ladies just waiting to be wooed. You're lucky to have so many options. Don't fret, Ole George has been there too, and I want to give you my advice on how to not go extinct.

    So here is my list of advice on how to woo a lady:

    1. Don't let the fame get to your head. When I was the last male of my kind I was all like "Who needs girls when I've got friends like David Attenborough?"

    BBC / Via thesundaytimes.co.uk

    2. Buy her some flowers.

    G-miner / Getty Images

    But not roses. Roses are cliche.

    3. Tell her she looks hella good under that African starlight.

    Mrswilkins / Getty Images

    4. Make her a mixtape. People may say mixtapes are overrated, but they’re not. Put some Taylor Swift on there, a little “Ignition” by R. Kelly, and she will be feelin' it.

    Christopher Pattberg / Getty Images

    5. Call her ‘bae’ in like an ironic but cute way.

    Ami Vitale / Via National Geographic Creative

    6. Spend your Friday night in with her watching Netflix so she knows it's real.

    Sharpshutter / Getty Images

    7. Take a pottery class together.

    Snowflock / Getty Images

    8. Tell her she looks sexy with her hair pushed back.

    Paramount Pictures / Via blog.timesunion.com

    9. Make her feel like a beautiful unicorn floating in an oasis of heavenly bliss when she's with you.

    Ellerslie77 / Getty Images

    10. Tell her you want to be the couple that people post pictures of with #RelationshipGoals next to it.

    11. Tell her you want to be the couple that has BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN SO YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES DOESN’T DIE OUT.

    FRANS LANTING / Via National Geographic Creative

    It's just that it sucks being extinct. I'm stuck hanging out all day with carrier pigeons and the dodo bird. Do you know how annoying the dodo bird is? You don't want to. But you won't have to worry about joining the Extinct Club if you just GET BUSY. Don't be nervous, the girls are horny af. (Rhino pun, I had to.) Be confident, be sexy, be yourself.

    Peace, love, and baby rhinos,

    Lonesome George

    P.S. And don't worry about the guards watching you 'cause honestly it's weirder for them than it is for you.