Sega has trademarked the phrase Sonic Unleashed for "video game software [and] computer game programs," which more than likely means another Sonic game is headed our way. And lo, was this member of Game|Life awash in utter apathy. No, not apathy, regret. Deep, painful regret and sorrow over a the loss of a beloved member of our gaming family.
The truth cannot be denied any longer. Sonic the Hedgehog must die.
I say this not because I hate Sonic, but because I love him, or rather, I loved him. In truth, the blue hedgehog we knew and adored passed away many years ago. What is left is little more than an animated corpse, put on gruesome display for the profit of its puppeteers. This modern Sonic is a an abomination, a grotesque that simply should not be, and I, for one, am calling for his head.
Sonic stole our hearts when he dashed onto the Genesis in 1991. He was fast, he was sassy, he was cute, but more importantly, he was the star of a well-constructed and imaginative platforming game whose quality stands the test of time.
We might not be quite as agog at Sonic's speed as we once were, and his impatient toe-tapping doesn't evoke nearly so many giggles as it did in the past, but Sonic the Hedgehog is still just as fun today as it was all those years ago.
Sequels attempted to expand the boundaries of the Sonic universe by adding characters or throwing in gimmicks like time travel, but the core gameplay remained relatively unchanged and solid. Spinoffs such as Sonic Spinball and Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine might not have been terribly inventive, but they nonetheless felt less like crass attempts to cash in on Sega's popular icon and more like pleasant sidebars to the Sonic saga.
Then it all started to go horribly, horribly wrong. Sonic Adventure for the Dreamcast made our mouths hang agape in much the same way the original Sonic did -- remember the killer whale smashing through the dock? It seemed as though the blue one was born anew and ready to venture into a bold new world of gaming.
Alas, it was not to be. The Sonic games veered further and further away from their simple, yet elegantly satisfying roots, and entered into a territory of uninspired gameplay, pointless mechanics, and craptastic supporting characters. By the time the truly abysmal Sonic Heroes rolled around, Sonic had become a bit player in his own game, on equal footing with D-listers like Cream the Rabbit and Charmy Bee. Charmy fucking Bee.
Sonic Heroes, which garnered a Metacritic aggregate ranking of 64 out of 100, kicked off a series of sub-par, humiliating titles in which Sonic is forced to take part. Sonic Riders (Metacritic: 55) removed Sonic's trademark element of speed by sticking him on a hoverboard and forcing him to make pit stops as he raced.
Sonic and the Secret Rings (Metacritic: 69), while fast and lovely, put Sonic in the world of the Arabian Nights and sent him hurtling forward with you following lamely behind. Using the Wii Remote's motion controls to encourage Sonic to jump or nudge him left or right worked adequately enough, but the game's god-awful plot, complete with genies and dinosaurs, and cock-rock soundtrack was the stuff of nausea-inducing nightmares.
Any high hopes we had for the next-gen version of Sonic the Hedgehog (Metacritic: 43) were dashed the moment we actually tried to play the game. The levels were certainly reminiscent of the original Genesis classic, but the controls and camera made the game virtually unplayable. Even Sonic Team's Yojiro Ogawa admitted that the game was broken, chalking its slipshod controls and uncooperative camera up to the pressure of simultaneously developing for both the PS3 and the 360 with too small a team.
Finally, I have but one word to sum up my disdain for Shadow the Hedgehog (Metacritic score: 45): Guns.
There have been occasional, hope-inspiring bright spots over the years. The Game Boy and Nintendo DS games weren't bad. Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games is at worst pedestrian, but certainly by no means embarrassing. The BioWare-developed Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood shows promise.
But the high-profile, main series games are an unbroken string of crap. Enough is enough, Sega. All we wanted was a Sonic game we could love. A *Sonic *game that did justice to the blue one's enduring memory. You've proven that you're not up to the task. You've had more than enough chances, and you've blown them all. I don't care if you're still making money by parading Sonic's broken body through the streets, glomming coins from gamers too ignorant or callous to know any better. It's wrong, and you should feel deeply, deeply ashamed.
With Sonic the Hedgehog properly dead and buried, we who loved him can begin to heal, to let the images of games like Sonic Shuffle fade slowly from our memories, until we are left with nothing but fond reminiscences of doing loop-de-loops at blindingly fast speeds, of collecting Chaos Emeralds, and yes, maybe even of Miles Prower.
I am not without compassion, however. I understand if you cannot bring yourselves to part with your longtime companion, Sega. To that end, I suggest the following compromise: If you cannot put Sonic to rest, then at least hand development of any future games to bear his name over to someone other than Sonic Team.
It sounds positively blasphemous, I know, but imagine, for a moment, a Sonic game created by Ratchet & Clank developers Insomniac, or one by Daxter devs Ready at Dawn. Perhaps Sly Cooper creators Sucker Punch could be given a shot, or what about giving Alien Hominid developer The Behemoth a try? You've done it before, after all -- Backbone Entertainment developed Sonic Rivals for PSP with decent, if not miind-blowing, results.
If you're unwilling to do even that, Sega, then our best hope remains the hedgehog's demise and the possibility that one day, far in the future, Sonic might rise, phoenix-like, from the ashes of his own rock-bottom critical scores to amaze and delight us with adventures anew.
One way or the other, Sega, I beg of you: Do the honorable thing and put an end to Sonic's suffering.
