17 Hilarious Five-Star Reviews Of Fast Food Restaurants

"Taco Bell is great for when you want vaguely Mexican flavored food-like items to shove down your throat.

Sober me rates this Taco Bell: 4 stars. Drunk me rates it : 6.9 stars. Add the hot sauce and you get 5 stars." (source)

"Who can bite into a Joe's Shanghai soup dumpling and not recognize in the subsequent agony a little bit of the same pleasure/pain of ripping into a McDonald's apple pie? Who can deny that the crisp-exterior to succulent-interior transition of a pied de cochon shares something in common with the lowly McNugget? What better symbol can there be for the delicious mystery of any unaccountably wonderful foodstuff you inexplicably enjoy than... the McRib?" (source)

"TACO BELL IS SO CHEAP WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU BUY A DOLLAR TACO. OMG ITS NOT AUTHENTIC ITS DIRT CHEAP QUICK FAST FOOD AND ITS MY FAVORITE I AM SO OFFENDED BY YOU KIDS ON THE INTERNET." (source)

"When all the cards are down, all hope lost, all self-dignity robbed barren and not a cent left to pay for one square foot of rent you, the Poseidon of Fast Food Poultry, emerge from the deep-fried depths of the hot sauce ocean atop a five dollar hydra of drumsticks and batter to rescue those who cannot rescue themselves.

Self-loathing thy name is Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits." (source)

"ayooo this burger king be slammin yo i go up in there order all kindsa wild shit like can i get ahhhh you one bad... shut yo mouth! and dat mufucka came out to 5.87 i paid in exact change then balled out in the penthouse like upstairs eating area you know we bout that luxury hoe we got elbow room for days up in this b**ch wassup" (source)

"The cashier took my order swiftly and even asked if I wanted a pump of flavored syrup in my coffee. Be still my beating heart! During the short wait for my food, any staff I happen to make eye contact with offered up a smile, which I swear made me think they were pumping hallucinating drugs out through the air system!

Its nice to go somewhere they you don't have to pantomime, point and wave your arms around to get what you want. That's waaay too much exercise!" (source)

"I love this authentic Mexican Bistro. It's staffed by AUTHENTIC Mexicans, kinda like how they get actual Europeans at Busch Gardens!!!! Their Nacho Bell Grande is a must have!!!! (They implemented the"Bell" in the name!!!! Very tricky!!!!!!)

Also their is pizza available. Its made in a Hut I guess. A hut of pizza.

6 stars out of 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (source)

"mad napkins!!!!!!!!!!" (source)

"ayo this dunkin deezys got them grown men thirstin for yo change holdin the door open like wassup break me off a piece and im like nah" (source)

"I am a fan of the big mac, and this place served what will be, until my dying day, the best big mac ever consumed or concocted in the history of mankind! Any presentation of the big mac, here, and forever more after, no matter how audacious, whether Bobby Flay or Guy Fieri trying to match it on the food network, no one could remake that big mac the way I enjoyed it... no one! I mean, it's been three years since I had it, and I still think about it..." (source)

"Steve, the owner of this franchise location, is the hottest piece I've ever had. He served me his hot cheesy burrito and we took turns eating each other's chaco tacos. After tossing my taco salad, he slapped me across the face with his chalupa. It was magic. Normally, I don't eat Taco Bell unless I'm out of lube, but Steve has made a fan out of me." (source)

"The meat is questionable for sure, but there's just something about these little baby sized burgers that are so good. Maybe it's the novelty of eating food that makes your hand look giant sized in comparison. Maybe it's the chicken rings that are peppered with crack." (source)

"Furthermore, make sure to enjoy the free floor show from the hip NYC teenagers right outside the door. You might also want to take a few fashion pointers from these kids in the know, and bring them back to your hometown, all stylin' and profilin'." (source)

"I know a bunch of yall people saying 'this is bad for you', but I'm talking right now so don't interrupt me, because interrupting me woud be considered rude, and if you're rude to me then you should know that is also detrimental to your health, most likely more immediately. So continuing, you can eat like 4 biscuits drenched in gravy. I like to glaze them in hot sauce in a bowl and forget about them til the middle of the night while I got a Swisher Sweet hangin' off my lip and I stumble into the kitchen with my doo rag on rapping to Wu-Tang Clan after lifting weights and having oily movie sex on leopard skin sheets and just going hog wild on some young filly I met at a cookout and I'm like 'oh f*ck it's like I just went to Popeyes though.'" (source)

"Oh, castle with walls of white,

Your magic brings my mouth delight.

The product of your food perfection

Gives me a taste bud erection.

I wont think about the impending shit

That cant be avoided when the burgers hit.

But they feel so good going in and going down

That theres not a better deal in town.

Divide my money by point 51

That's how many I'll take on this run

And someone tell Harold and Kumar,

That I'd travel just as far

For a bite of that two and a half inch square

The meat melts in my mouth as do my cares

Give me a sack, give me a case, or give me a crate

Get me to White Castle so my tongue can masterbate." (source)